all this pent up frustration i needed to let out. or maybe its not frustration, perhaps just some thots of mine ttz bottled up too long. far too long.
all these thots were ignited once again ydae wen i went fer e ngeeann openhse. i let tt lil nagging notion slip my mind in all the bliss. but suddenly something someone said dashed everything. all my hopes, my confidence. i noe tt e person is just playing a fool but e person had no idea how much effect those few words had on me. i may appear confident, lyke i dare to approach ppl fer example. lyke daring to speak up in front of crowds. lyke i'm e functions head in class. but who actually really knows,tt its all nuttin but a Facade?
i envy those ppl hu r confident. n why not? those ppl hu have e right to be i mean. Coincidentally, i chanced upon tiz primary sch fren of mine, her frenstar pg. i still remember she's rich, has e perfect family, e perfect frenz, right now e perfect bf, a gd figure n no speaking problem. u ged e drift, she has it all. y sldnt sum1 like that be confident? hers doesnt seem to be afacade thou.
yea, no speaking prob. ttz wad actually makes myconfidence a facade. its not that i have major speaking problems but its huge enuff to demoralise mi completely. When i speak, certain strangers have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about. n its not wen i'm spouting nonsense here. a fren of mine actualli took a yr to understand what i'm saying. its just sumtin i wuz born with. i seem to bite back on certain words lyke perhaps, words wif e letter Z. i wld stress on sum parts. friends n family members dont even realize this becuz dey have been talking to me way too long to even notice tiz flaw of mine. but strangers do. n sum others too. lyke my customers fer my work or sum sch frenz. i rem i had this compere's prog. its a public-speaking course our Eng teachers elected sum of us gd in Eng to be in. e lecturer wuz Uncle Sanath, he's one of the best ppl i've even met in my life. n i confided in him bout tiz fear/worry of mine. as i had wanted to be a radio deejay(notice e word "had" as i've sort of lost all hopes.)
me: uncle sanath, can u understand what i'm saying? do u hear e way i bite back on certain words that make ppl not understand me? him: hmm... no? i find ur speaking normal. me: oh, cuz juz some ppl dont ged what i'm saying at times n it affects me a lot. n i dont tink i can be a dj like that; when ppl dont ged me at all. him: why Care bout what others say? i believe u can do it. what dey sae aint impt at all.
i tried to make him understand its not that i wanted to care bout what others sae. i always make it seem lyke it doesnt bother me at all. but it does.
me: its not that i wan to care. but eve i wan to be sumbody lyke a dj, they have to understand mi. i'm not saying tt dey wld look down on me, but dey cant help it eve dey doesnt understand. n aft interviews, maybe eve i ged elected, 1 out of 10 audience wldnt understan me. dey cant help it. him: u have to have trust in urself. u just dont care bout dem. just be what u wanted to be n dey'll see it. really.
i wld neva forget this conversation with him. (tt wuz i tink a few yrs back, 2002) he's an inspiration himself. my bro told mi bout another inspirational story juz ydae wen i told him how i felt bout this matter.
i used to think tt since i'm born like that, i sldnt change it. this is y i'm unique, n tt y we r all individuals. lyke i alwaes think tt i wldnt hav a tattoo or change my hair color or most impt of all, i wldnt go to e hospital to ged this speaking problem of mine fixed. becuz dey wld change me. since i'm born like that, i wld go like that. n eve ppl cant accept mi fer mi, so be it. ged away from mi. far, far awae. but above this 3, i've done one. changed my hair color. it felt lyke i wuz going against myself, goin against my own beliefs. i felt lyke i'm a betrayal to myself. but i did it because i've come to such terms which i've yet let anyone know. Changing myself physically doesnt mean changing myself emotionally. i can still hold e same thots n all but deep down, i'm still me. honest-to-gdness, me. ttz y i did what i did to my hair as i wanted a change. e other 2 things, a tattoo i don tink i wld do it, but hu noes in e future? n my speaking prob. it alwaes comes down to this. a chinese physician told me it doesnt hurt n takes onli a few secs to slit sumtin ttz under my tongue. but e thing i'm afraid of wasnt all of e above. i'm afraid of it changing me n how others think of me. eve ppl can accept me fer this prob, i noe tt dey're true. but eve i don have this flaw, how wld i noe? how wld i find true frens lyke ching n bee? tink i'm gonna cry.
but its just tt. e course i've alwaes wanted n still do, is mass comm. e impt thing is bout public speaking n all n i'm afraid i wun be able to do well in tt sector. n how can i fight wif so mani others huz so confident n great in every aspect? to add on, mass comm is a really popular course ttz overwhelming wif ppl. this ger at e mass comm. tour told me tt she believe i cld do it. as long as i have e passion dey can c it. i really do hope so. hai.
all my confidence are gone out e window.*poof* all my hopes, dashed. so u c, all tt is just a Facade, a mask i put on. i'm not tt confident aft all. n i'm not tt strong either. i breakdown easily. this has been a really long post. sorry that u guys find it boring, but i really needed to let it out. n ttz what a blog's fer, isnt it? n aint it great? ppl hu cum by my blog wld now imagine mi wif a major speaking prob which aint realli e case, its just in e mind. *shrugs* what can i do? so those tt now noe all these n start to feel demselves taller up even by a bit n lookin down at me alr, i want u to go away. ged awae from me. please. dun act gallant or anything n i dont need ur sympathy either. i hate facades. go away!
